Thursday, June 26, 2008

An Open Letter to Oprah

Dear Oprah,

What gives? As a teacher, I look forward to summer vacation for three reasons: first, I like to read. Next, I get the chance to clean even more obsessively than I do during the school year. And finally, finally Oprah, I get to watch your show. I don't know quite how to say this, Ope. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but man, what a let down. So far we've had murderer confrontations, past lives, YouTube stars, and Suse Orman. Blech!!! Where are the house makeovers?? Where are the people makeovers? Get it together, Oprah.


In other news, I am a cleaning MACHINE. This is both good and bad. It is good because, well, I really like it when the apartment is nice. It is bad because for the first time, it's becoming really, really clear that cleaning never stops. No matter how much I do, there's always more. OMG, what will it be like with kids??? OMG. Yesterday, in a very nice two-and-a-half hour breakfast with my friend Jami, we discussed how I worry about things years and years before they are actually a problem. I do indeed. It's become clear that I will soon need to implement an infrastructure to curtail offspring disorder. ICOD.

Also, I can't find the charger to my camera's battery. I wish I had it this week, because I undertook A Major Project. We've recently been in a little bit of crisis mode at our apartment. Books have started to take over. I am addicted to book buying. Bob has his books, and a lot of them, poor guy, were stuck in the garage. Piles were everywhere. It was a desperate situation. So I bought a new bookshelf, and set to getting stuff in order. What a job! You see, this was not just a matter of putting some books on shelves. I HAD to merge and alphabetize. Yikes, that sucked. But it is done, and I am happy. The only problem is that Bob and I can only buy about four more books for the rest of our lives.

Oh, and by the way, it turns out I like Suze Orman. Sorry Suze.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Why Are People Fucking Crazy????

Now that I am on vacation, street sweeping day poses a little bit of a problem. It used to be that Bob would park in the driveway, and I would be gone to work before the ticket guy showed up, but now I will be, you know, asleep. Also, there is no way Bob is going to be up and out before the ticket guy. It's just not going to happen, so let's not use that as an option. Anyway, Bob moved my car for me Wednesday night (because I was drunk; it was the last day of school). Little did he know he was setting me up to later meet the craziest freaking guy I've ever encountered. I just went to move my car (a day and a half after parking it), and this old man literally sprinted to knock on my passenger window in order to yell at me. And yell he did.

Now, you need to know two things about me: a) I am extremely polite to strangers and my elders; b) I hate when people yell at me c) I am out of Diet Coke (that's just in case Bob's reading this). And so when an old stranger started yelling at me, I did not know what to do. First, I calmly explained that my car was not parked in front of his house for "four days," but one. After he kept yelling, I pointed out that I was parked on a public street. When he countered that "everyone suffers" when I park in front of his house, I also noted that it seemed both of his cars were parked in his driveway. He admitted that he always parks in his driveway, but I had "no business" parking in front of his house. And then he screamed, literally screamed for a couple more minutes, and then I rolled up my window, almost taking his finger with me, and burned rubber out of there.

And now I feel GUILTY!!! Why do I care about this?? Why are people in my neighborhood completely INSANE about where other people park??? Is this a middle-class white person thing? When I get old, will I also get inappropriately territorial?

One of the things I like about my city is that it is in L.A., but it is small and still feels like a community. Something that gets on my nerves, though, are entitled freaks. I need to stay, the entitled freaks need to leave. Or leave me the hell alone.

Day Two of Vacation

In this, my second day of my first work-free summer since I was 14, I have decided I will set some goals for vacation. These are not like New Year's resolutions, I would like to point out, though, as I think resolutions are really just another way for girls to hate themselves. So here, the goals:

1. Clean/organize at least three drawers/storage spaces a week.

2. Go outside.

3. Watch Oprah daily, except when it's one of those episodes where people confront murderers (Ahem, Oprah, wait to fuck it up on my first day of vacation).

4. Write on this blog daily, even if no one reads it.

5. Do some actual writing.

6. Finish watching the Brotherhood 2.0 vlogs.

7. Get really fucking good at Guitar Hero.

8. Read like crazy.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I can't help myself


Complications in Your Pants

Good Omens in Your Pants

and, forgive me,

The Tao of Pooh in Your Pants


In your pants

My new favorite people, John and Hank Green have this thing where every book title is funnier when you add the term "in your pants." John and Hank Green are geniuses. Here, some of the highlights from my personal library:

The Shock of the New in Your Pants

Let it Blurt in Your Pants

Backlash in Your Pants

The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing in Your Pants

An Honorable Profession in Your Pants

The Dharma Bums in Your Pants

(obvious, but still fun) Inferno in Your Pants (also, certainly better than The Divine Comedy in Your Pants)

The Hours in Your Pants

Eleven Minutes in Your Pants

Running with Scissors in Your Pants (not recommended)

How to be Alone in Your Pants

The Great Santini in Your Pants

Things Fall Apart in Your Pants

Flaubert's Parrot in Your Pants

and that classic, The Joke in Your Pants

Anyway, I could literally do this for hours. I urge you to do an In Your Pants review of your library.

Saturday, June 14, 2008


Okay, I am going to try to keep up with this more. I always think of stuff I want to talk about, but then I forget. So, while I'm at it:

1. I have discovered that I have a slight infatuation with Whole Foods. I mean, I'd been in a few, but the new one near my house was overwhelming. I almost bought vegan shoes. The was a wall off Mrs. Meyers products. They had Ed Belgley, Jr.'s cleaning stuff. It was awesome. I've returned a few times for cleaning products and CFLs (we finally switched the whole apartment over) and I just can't help myself. Freaking Whole Foods. Oh, by the way, I don't actually buy food there--that would just be silly.

2. Bob and I met Emily and her friend Peattie at Father's Office today. I just love that office burger. And the Rogue Hazelnut Nectar. Mmm. It was delightful to hang out with Emily--we talked about Dawson's Creek and YA novels. Peattie was very cool. After that we hit up Surfas. We got a butcher block, spicy peanut butter, lemon curd, creole chocolate, and a lime squeeze-y thing. White People like me.

3. I have recently become semi-obsessed with a YA novelist called John Green. He is funny and knows his stuff. Read the blog.